It has become clear that I cannot remain in this house without a lot more assistance, and that I cannot afford. I die inwardly a little each time I think about leaving this house, where we were so happy for 18 years, until Di's fatal illness struck. I think of the magic years, as the grandchildren arrived, and were welcomed into this house, with love and eagerness.

I feel deep, deep sadness, and have nobody with whom I can discuss it. It is not that I cannot find an alternative. We have discussed my living with one of my sons, and that is a possibility, but some changes in their houses would have to be made, to accommodate my needs e.g. stair rails and bars in the showers, etc.

Each day I pray for some miracle that would allow me to spend the rest of my days here, among my memories. On the day I say farewell to this house I know I will be a huge mess! It is such a loving place, full of such wonderful memories.

Since I last wrote I have had back surgery, Laminectomy L4,5, spinal fusion, plus foramenotomy and microdiscectomy, with good effect. Now I am walking a mile twice a day, with Ella, and without that awful pain I had pre-op. What I do with Ella is another unsolved problem. She is such a loving little thing, though she has her difficulties. I wish I understood more of what goes on in that little head of hers.