Monday, January 10, 2011

The New Year 2011

We are now in 2011, and one aches for the pain to stop! I so miss Di and our life together. She was a woman who gave and received love to the full. This love was given in a courageous and non discriminatory way. I try to analyze and discern why it was that she was so loving, and so loved by all who knew her. It must be because of her freely, giving spirit, and her confidence and independence. She did not need to ask anyones permission. She just did good things in the most natural manner.  How I wish I could attain to that spirit of giving so freely. May a passion for volunteering for good causes find me.

This is the "winter of my discontent". It is snowing, and cold and will be icy. Ella cannot get out freely and barks constantly. Walks are abbreviated because of the risks of icy slips and falls. It is so cold tonight that even the furnace and a fire do not heat the house adequately. Maybe things will look better when the sun shines again. Let's hope so.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Post Christmas

It has been more than a month since I last posted anything. How time flies! I find myself dissatisfied with progress in resolving my grief, and, to that end, have ordered a book of additional strategies to help me progress.

But let's go back to December. My surgery at Mayo's took place on December 17th, and went very smoothly and painlessly. The result seems to have been good, since, for the moment,  I am now not needing any blood pressure medicine at all. My BP is running in the 135/85 range without medications. I seemed to be behind the eight ball all Christmas, and just had no energy or drive to  get anything going, or to feel good. I was, in fact, clinically depressed. But I do not want to go on antidepressants again.and go through the effort of getting off them again. That is a pain!

Was Christmas simply an effort in denial? Perhaps. but it was also an effort to show we can and will live again. even without Di. Having had absolute trust in Di, (founded on 52 years of living together), it now is more difficult, even impossible, to find that sort of trust in other people.I probably will never have that sort of feeling about another person. Don't feel like writing any more tonight Will write again tomorrow.