Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The First Anniversary of DI's Death

The dreaded day has finally arrived.  I have concluded that it is a lot like a scheduled surgery date. the anticipation is a lot worse then the actual event. But it is ad ay to focus on the gift of love we all received from her - the giddy unquenchable love of youth, the steadfast giving love of early parenthood, the joyous, welcoming love of middle age and grandparenthood, the tender, companionate love of the later years. We remember your  courage, grace and nobility to the end, in the face of debilitating, fatal disease. We will all make it! Sooner or later, we will all feel joy in living again! For the moment, memories are still too fresh recent. A friend told me "You will know your grief work is done when ALL your memories are memories of celebration, rather than memories of sadness and loss".  Roll on that day!

I am determined to make this house and garden a beauty spot. You were so fond of the garden here, and together we made it.

You would be so sad to see your beloved Borders store shuttered by mismanagement, as are all your co-workers, there at the start up. Death and life are so commingled. "In the midst of life we are in death!"
Farewell, my love. We shall meet again. Love never dies!  Love, Geoff

Saturday, April 9, 2011

It's Saturday night

The Saturday night blues are with me again. The lilacs are ready to bloom again. That reminds me of last year when Di was in the nursing home, and could not see them. The one year anniversary is coming up fast. I believe it will be an EfM night. So, at least, I will not be alone.

Went to the COR Grief Support Group again the other night. A man was there whose wife had died very recently, after a long, long illness. When you go along for the first time and share your story, it always seems so bad, so awful and so unique. Nothing that bad could ever happen to someone else could it? One finds out rapidly that it can, and does. He, also, was experiencing the loneliness, and the loss of communication with his wife.

A middle aged friend told me recently that his wife had died suddenly at 36, when he was left with two young kids, now in college. He weathered all that, and now lives a very busy life, not remarried.  I am humbled by those experiences, and am full of admiration for the person who survives them. When the kids were young that was one thing I feared a lot. What would I do if Di had died suddenly? Fortunately we did not have to face that problem.

Inertia still has me in its grip and I do not have a lot of drive or interest. Bought some impatiens today to plant. Need to get that done before they die in the flat!  I pray for more energy and drive, so I can get things done in a timely manner. Always had a tendency to procrastinate, and achieved more against deadlines. But this is the worst I have ever been. Just listless and anergic.

Did put a lot of work in on my talk about "Understanding Diabetes", which seemed to go well. That kept me busy and feeling better. There have been a number of deaths in our development over the last two years. A former President of the Homeowners' Association here is dying. And the caring notes about him, from his family, bring back the exquisite agony of that last vigil.

But, I do consider myself a long way ahead of where I was last year, and feel that with the passage of another year I will be lots better still. The goal is to compartmentalize that past life with Di, in a safe place, where it can always be taken out and celebrated joyfully, but does not impinge so much on the present, where other business demands attention. Does that make sense? Love to all Dad/Geoff