Reflecting on the meeting on Thursday night last, I realized the commonality of emotions experienced in profound loss, like that of a much loved spouse. That feeling that something large has been clawed away from inside you, that a significant part of you is missing, that you are no longer WHOLE; that the duo has been relied upon for so long, that one no longer knows how to function as a single, and has to develop a whole new skill set.
That reliance means some significant things to the survivor, eg what happens when I get sick? On whom can I rely? If that happens, it seems inevitable that I will have to move into at least an independent living unit, at some facility. Have two check ups within the next month. I will await the results of those before I start to move with any speed, in that direction. One is almost in a constant state of apprehension, waiting for the "other shoe" to drop, and the next medical complication to arrive. I just hope that I will be able to handle it with the same grace and dignity that Dianne did.
One of the checks is up at Mayo's. We used to drive up there together. The enforced seven hours of togetherness was something to look forward to. But I would not wish her back to endure that lsat, nightmare trip, for her, in January,2010.
We have been at our closest, at times during long drives. Before leaving, Di always went to the library to get some entertaining books on CD. That's how I was introduced to Janet Evanovich as an author, and her zany circle of characters.
Psychological and emotional intimacy is a huge loss. Loss of a presence, and the opportunity for ordinary conversation is an enormous, and irreplaceable loss.
Well, service at the Cathedral tomorrow morning, and the opportunity to talk to real human people. There is so much suffering and illness among the congregation, that it is hard to moan about one's own.
Good night. It is bedtime for me. Love, Geoff
No comments:
Post a Comment