Went along to the last night of the current COR Grief Support group last night. It was a night fit for neither man nor beast to be out. However, with a four wheel drive vehicle, I thought should be safe to go - and was.
Attendance made me realize that I really have made some progress over the last year. The newbies in the group, still deep in the crazy stage of coming to grips with the fact that what happened really did happen, (what I call the "numb and dumb" stage), and dealing with the tears, the anger of being left alone by events and things totally beyond their control, the powerlessness of solitariness. As a pamphlet said, "Grief lasts a lot longer than you or I want!"
This morning, as I write this, I look out the study window at the new, pure snow, It looks very pretty on the crossing, intersecting branches of the shrubs in the rear garden. I know that Di would exclaim about its beauty, could she see it, as I do. I know the snow will reach its messy stage before it disappears. But, for now, I will settle for beauty.
It still takes an extraordinary effort to get started in the morning. Having to walk Ella in the snow and ice doesn't help, though she, poor little thing, has been very good, and showers me with unconditional love every time I return home.
Have been invited to an Academy Awards party on Sunday, but, since it is a clear attempt at matchmaking, (for which I am totally unready), I think I will decline. Will I ever be ready? At the present I doubt it. One cannot find, in a short time, what Di and I built together over fifty three years. It would be desperately foolish to think that could happen. Also, I am fortunate, (in one way), in not having a surfeit of money So there will be no "gold diggers". What a pain that would be, trying to distinguish true love from monetary interest! I hope never to have to deal with that.
Besides, with my health conditions, I do not expect to live a long time. So I cannot see myself as a "great catch", with women lining up, eager to become a new widow!
The harsh winter has not helped my mood a lot. If I can get to the gym regularly, I can generate enough endorphins to keep me going, so I don't need anti depressants. Besides, once you start on those on those, you have to think of getting off them at some time. And that is yet another struggle - one I would like to avoid from the outset.
As I said earlier, "Grief lasts a lot longer than you or I want!" And you can neither prepare for it, nor do a lot of advance grief work to ward it off. When it comes, you just have to endure the journey through the "valley of the shadow of death". Hopefully you will have some supportive fellow journeyers. So, just enjoy your life together, as it unfolds, without thought of what might be coming, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof". May God, and his love, be with you always. Love never dies! Geoff
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