Grief work is so bloody hard!

Last night, I felt the need to connect with the old grief support group and went along to the 5th session of the new series of meetings. Was it a mistake? There are more men in this group. Would have felt more supported had there been more in my original group. It was interesting to hear play out, similar stories of preoccupation with the loss, and the loss of energy and initiative that I feel. I feel completely anergic.

I have been able to bestir myself to work on getting the tax information ready in good time, but there is no drive, no initiative. It is just sheer self discipline. It is a hard chore to get up each morning, with no one else in the house, going through the motions of a routine we used to have - take the dog out, cup of tea, newspaper, breakfast. There is no on else here to do things for, or to talk to. Sometimes I wonder if I really have had a stroke, and am brain damaged. But, I think my cerebral function is too high grade for that. But I certainly am having a lot of difficulty with drive and initiative, and getting things done in an orderly fashion. Vestry work is beginning to come in, and I wonder how I will cope. But that work is mainly in committee, so there will be others there to bounce things off.

On the positive side, I have been going to the gym regularly, working out,  meeting people, and talking to old and new friends. That, I believe is a healthy necessity. and I think I am seeing some body development.  It is sometimes an effort to go, but it is human contact that I desperately need. The loneliness is awful.  So, I try to make it most days. even at the weekend. Have met again R., a pianist who plays at certain restaurants round the city. Dianne and I both knew him quite well, through the gym, and went to dinner to hear him play on a couple of occasions. He might come by some time and play the piano. It needs tuning.


Have also had a couple of dinner parties, to get humans into the home, for contact and conversation, though it is a lot of work. Maybe I am a better conversationalist than I thought.  Will have another one March 21st. after I get back from Mayo's.

Time for sleepy time milk. Maybe, having started again, I will write more frequently again.