Life is just not as much fun without Dianne, without someone to wake up next to in the morning, to have a cup of tea with, read the newspapers with, and comment on the news to each other. I was always amazed at the depth of her perception, her grasp of a situation, and knowledge about current events.
I go through the motions of life. I get up, clean up, eat, shave, shower. I go to the gym and exercise, and walk Ella, but take no real joy in it. There is just something big missing, that cannot be replaced. In some ways I feel her presence, in a very positive way. And I feel she will be with me, in spirit, as I drive up to Mayo's this month, a drive we have made so many times. Doing the taxes this week, assembling all the bills for that last, nightmare trip, (for her), we made in January 2010, brought all the memories back. On the way back I drove straight through, from Des Moines, and took her, immediately, to St. Luke's Hospital, South, for admission. She was in such awful pain with those huge mouth ulcers, resulting from her low white cell count, and nothing seemed to give her relief. In addition she was getting weaker all the time. Those memories have not cheered me up this week. I think the word to describe my current mood is "disspirited". But, at least, I have the taxes done, and have an appointment with the CPA for next Monday, so I can get them filed.
How I wish I could look beyond me, and see what other people need. Sadness just overwhelms me at times. But I see other men in the same position, having the same difficulties. I sure hope the mood will lift, with time. Otherwise the future does not look too attractive. Must start looking at independent living facilities soon, and start working out costs. I promised Di and myself, that I would make no major decisions for at least a year. That year is almost up. When I find out my results from Mayo's. that will either give me more urgent impetus, or slow me down, if they are good. Love to you all. Geoff/ Dad
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