The sun will come out tomorrow, You can bet your bottom dollar....

It was good to see Pete, Ruby and Celia in "Annie" last night. It is such an upbeat show with good singable music, and profound optimism in the face of adversity. All three of them did well. Ruby is now a seasoned trooper, and has the theater in her blood. Pete finds a new character in each show, and is never just Pete acting the same way. Now Celia has got the bug also. She was tired and subdued at the end of the show when we visited. But a three hour show makes for a long night for a four year old.

I believe there is incremental improvement for me. Anti depressants do not appeal, and I am trying to avoid taking them, if possible. Over the last week I have talked with a good friend from the Cathedral, a former EFM colleague. On Saturday next I will visit with another EFM colleague who had a difficult time with grief, when her husband died a few years ago. She is a nice person, and very spiritually generous. We will meet over lunch next Saturday. She described herself as being on a nicer path now, but still encountering "land mines".

A few days ago I received a nice note from Di's Hematologist at Mayo's, commenting on her dignity in the face of such a devastating disease, and her courage in refusing active treatment at the last. It was kind of him to write. Of the treatment she was receiving towards the end, he said, "There are no guarantees. Transfusions and Neulasta are simply all we have available." He was right.

Talking with the clinical psychologist last week I realized that I have never lived truly alone before. During Internship and Residency there were always other people about. Even during that first summer in Law School, when I lived singly in an apartment, there were always other students around, and multiple classes each day, where we would meet and talk together. In this aged area, there is very little contact between neighbors. I suppose I could call one or two, and get together over coffee.

Tomorrow night, Mark will come for dinner. and on Monday night, a former choir member will come for dinner. We will grill something. Thank God that our kids are so generous with their time. They must be hurting also.

It has been a hot day, 96 F. Am waiting for dusk, and, hopefully, a little cooling before I take Ella for her walk.  It is still 90 F. at 7:45 pm. No storms expected soon.

Peace and love to you all, Geoff

Who knows where I'm going?

In the rewritten words of the old song "Who  Knows Where I'm Going?" I don't. It seems  as if I am just  drifting along, no worse, but also  not a lot better;  listless and without drive and energy. Part of it could be side effects from the antihypertensive medication. Have tried twice to get results today, but they take so long to call back, that the second time I was in  a meeting, and had to turn my phone off. Will persist and try again tomorrow.

Had a session with the psychologist today who felt that I was making satisfactory progress. That year figure keeps on cropping up. Roll on one year!

Another "first!"

This first year after Di's death is going to be full of "firsts". The first "first", was Di's birthday on June 19th. Today was my birthday, and, for the first time in 54 years, my love was not part of it. She was always the principal celebrant, the card buyer, the special gift giver, and, most often,  the festive meal producer.  Need I say that I miss her greatly, especially on days like this.

Instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself, I volunteered for kitchen duty, along with  several others from the cathedral,  at Mission Paloosa, a gathering of Episcopal youth at St. Paul's Church on Main Street. It was nice to be with others, and then come home and get a very effusive welcome from Ella. One of the ladies drew me out a bit, and it was nice to be able talk a little about grief, (even with a little tearing), instead of feeling I have to bury it all the time. The local grandchildren were all competing in the All City Swim Meet, at Overland Park Pool. so they were all healthily busy. I'm glad I was also.

Still I am without drive, or enthusiasm.  I feel I am just drifting, and that I am the epitomy of procrastination. But I am getting some things done. The Quicken program is up to date, after the visit to Denver. There is still some filing to do, but I hope to have that finished tomorrow.

This morning, I was able to get up early and ride my bike, and I felt better for that. God bless those endorphins! Activity does do some good! With heat and storms though, it is hard to  find a time to do it. Even at 6:00 am this morning it was pretty hot and humid. A visit with the psychologist is planned for tomorrow, when I will lay a lot of this stuff on him, to see if he can give  me any direction. Till tomorrow, peace and love be with you all, and bind your hearts and souls with love. Geoff

Not a very good day

The day started busily. Had to get my car serviced,  pick up a loaner car, and then go get Ella from the kennels, working towards a midday visit form old SUGUNA friends from Canada. Di and Betty had been great friends, and it brought all the pain back again. In addition, whether it is depression, or side effects of the new anti-hypertensive medication, I feel tired, listless and unmotivated all the time. I may have to go back on  anti-depressants, at east temporarily. I don't want to go off on world trip feeling like this. Fortunately I have a few more weeks in which to get things right before I leave.

It seems that the major part of it may be depression. In a perverted way that might be good as that can be relieved with medication.  Last night, driving home, I could feel the tension and gloom increasing from Salina, onwards, as I  knew the certainty approaching of having to say good bye to my son and grandchildren, and experiencing that awful aloneness again, after a weekend of family conviviality. In a couple of days I have another appointment with my clinical psychologist, and will discuss it with him. Also need to get lab done to make sure it is not simply low serum potassium levels causing the weakness and tiredness.

I am so tired of this bad feeling, and feeling bad, and want this part to be over ASAP. The search for the passion to live again, and enjoy life, goes on. A wet blanket my be good for putting out fires, but it is no substitute for living. Peace and love to all, as I search for answers, and a path out of the gloom.Geoff

A long trip home

Heartfelt gratitude is owed to two of our sons for (!) hosting me in Denver, and (2) driving me to and from this great family weekend. Not to be left out either is grandson, Matt, who helped with the driving. Granddaughter Molly was a happy and effervescent presence. It was a great weekend with at least part of the family. I am too tired to write much tonight, but I wanted to say heartfelt "thank yous" to John and Mark particularly. More later. Love to all, Geoff

Walking towards the light

John was very persistent in his invitation to vis them in Denver, for which be many thanks. I dragged myself and Ella out of our respective comfort zones, Ella to go, unwillingly to the kennel, and me to drive to Denver,with Mark and family.

John and family are always generous hosts, and this weekend was yet a further example of his generosity. Last night he took all who were available to a Rockies game at  the Rockies' stadium in Downtown Denver. The game itself was exciting, with a come from behind grand slam win for the Rockies, in the eight innings. Going to a baseball game out there is a multimedia extravaganza. The scoreboard alone is a marvel, with so much information loaded on it, that we had to ask nearby folk what some of the symbols meant. It was a joy to see Matt,Kelly and Molly enjoying themselves and each other's company, throwing themselves headlong into participation in the whole game show that is a baseball game, dancing and singing along with the music. I thought how much Di would enjoy seeing them enjoying themselves. If anyone from KC wants to see the benefits of public transit, let them go to Denver, where we could catch the comfortable and efficient train to, and home from the baseball game in a vibrant downtown Denver. The stadium itself is well designed,  with wide concourses. You can walk all the way around the stadium - a full 360 degree tour.

Earlier in the day we had gone to the Red Rocks Amphitheater - one of the works created by Roosevelt's New Deal, and some great architectural design. The architect's guiding principles was to do as little "architecture" as possible, and let the site speak for itself.

Then off to the mountain slide, (which was not working that morning), the off the Casa Bonita for lunch. Casa Bonita is a Mexican Restaurant in Denver, that has made its reputation and (lots of money) as the epitomy of "tacky". It is huge - can hold up to 1,000 people at full capacity. Having sat through a number of  skits based on elementary comedy writing, and watching the flame juggling and "cliff diving",we left with the refried beans sitting heavily on my stomach.

This morning the others have gone on a "white water rafting trip"  I stayed behind to just have a quiet time, and to go out to buy John a Birthday gift. Just because his mother has died, I do not want his birthdays to go unmarked and unnoticed.

This weekend has been a life saver for me. The family fun we have had, has given me permission to go on living in the expectation of finding fulfillment, and even joy again. And the knowledge that the family is there for me with support and love, is so gladdening to the heart. I love them all and their joy in life is joy to me. When tougher times come, I hope that I will be there for them, when they need the very real help they are now giving me. Calmness, peace and love to all, Geoff

A few days of family joys

We are in Denver, CO, with family. John, our eldest, wanted me to come out and visit, but frankly, I just did not feel up to driving all the way by myself.So, generous Mark, arranged to take a few days off, and drive out with me, together with Matt and Molly. Matt got some driving time, preparatory to applying for his license next week He did well. The longer he spent behind the wheel, the smoother his driving got.

While happiness reigned, to be with family again, the trip was tinged with more than a little sadness. The last trip we made out here was for KJ's High School graduation in May of 2009, and Di and I made that last trip together. Almost anything can unleash the tide of memories.

However, I am becoming more resigned. I was given the greatest gift of love over 53 years. I accept the amazing generosity of that gift, and must move on. It will never be repeated and, in my lifetime, I do not expect to receive another gift like it.  I will simply treasure the memories, and enjoy them.

The weekend will be full of family activities, which,  again, I will treasure, and store up memories - brother enjoying brother, (though with a lot of trash talk), cousins enjoying the company of each other. Then, on Monday, it will be a long drive back to Kansas City, to the solitary existence again.

On Tuesday, I will pick Ella up from the kennel, to which she did not go happily, and take her home again, back to her comfort zone. Peace and love to you all. Geoff