The day started busily. Had to get my car serviced, pick up a loaner car, and then go get Ella from the kennels, working towards a midday visit form old SUGUNA friends from Canada. Di and Betty had been great friends, and it brought all the pain back again. In addition, whether it is depression, or side effects of the new anti-hypertensive medication, I feel tired, listless and unmotivated all the time. I may have to go back on anti-depressants, at east temporarily. I don't want to go off on world trip feeling like this. Fortunately I have a few more weeks in which to get things right before I leave.
It seems that the major part of it may be depression. In a perverted way that might be good as that can be relieved with medication. Last night, driving home, I could feel the tension and gloom increasing from Salina, onwards, as I knew the certainty approaching of having to say good bye to my son and grandchildren, and experiencing that awful aloneness again, after a weekend of family conviviality. In a couple of days I have another appointment with my clinical psychologist, and will discuss it with him. Also need to get lab done to make sure it is not simply low serum potassium levels causing the weakness and tiredness.
I am so tired of this bad feeling, and feeling bad, and want this part to be over ASAP. The search for the passion to live again, and enjoy life, goes on. A wet blanket my be good for putting out fires, but it is no substitute for living. Peace and love to all, as I search for answers, and a path out of the gloom.Geoff
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