How true it is that one must embrace one's grief. The instinctive reaction, when feelings of grief arise, is to shun them and push them from you, to try to suppress those feelings. But that really is avoidance behavior, and does nothing to help ease the problem, or lighten the mood. My experience is that it is better simply to let those feelings of grief wash over one, shed a tear or two if one must, (tears are still never far away). But then the feeling passes, more and more quickly with ever passing day, as one deals with those feelings by experiencing them.
Perhaps as distressing, or perhaps even more distressing for me, is that feeling of mental dullness, that CS Lewis described as "....like a blanket between the world and me". There is no drive and alacrity, just dull, uninspired progress, putting one foot mechanically after another. I long for this stage to pass, so I can find some passion again.
However, in contrast to a few weeks ago, I am now looking forward to my cruise to Australia to see our daughter and family. Back then I felt perhaps I should simply cancel. While we keep in close telephone contact with Gillian and family, it is never quite the same as being there, , and being an intimate part of their ongoing, day to day lives.
There was one amusing incident yesterday. We have a Skye terrier, one of the most wilful of the terriers - Logan's Mistake. Each morning Ella gets her one mile walk quite early, before it gets too hot. For the last couple of days there has been a cooked T-bone steak by the side of the road, in the grassy verge. each day I have pulled her away from it, fearing it might be a "poison bait". Yesterday morning, during the "pulling away" she slipped her collar, went back and picked up the irresistible steak, and took off. She then headed home, keeping just far enough ahead of me so that I could not catch her. She knew her way home absolutely, and proceeded to go out on the back deck, and consume her bounty. Now, 24 hours later, she seems healthy, and my concerns about poison seems to have been unjustified. She misses Dianne's presence, and follows me from room to room during the day, as if to say, "Are you going away also?"
One needs to try and focus more on the present, the here and now, and not ruminate on the past so much.
I was regretting the past and fearing the future. Suddenly God was speaking.
My name is "I AM"
I waited. God continued, "When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not "I was".
When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not "I will be".
When you live in his moment, it is not hard. I am here.
My name is "I Am"
Said to have been found on the kitchen wall of the Ranch Guesthouse, St. Benedict's Monastery, Snowmass, Colorado. Published in "One Hundred Graces" Bell Tower, New York, 1992
Living in the present is hard to do, especially after a loss such as yours. Keep sharing your wisdom, Dad. It's good stuff.
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