All major losses make permanent changes in your life!!
Today marks three months since Dianne died, on Monday April 26th. 2010. My book, "Life After Loss", describes grieving as an endurance test, and cites two to three years as an average time of grieving. Of course! One year is too short a time. For years I have told my divorced friends that it seems to take three years to recover from an unwanted divorce. Why would death be any different?
It says "grief is heavy", and fatigue is one of the most common symptoms. Agree with that. "Grief fitness" takes time, you have to work up to it. Agree with that too. Don't feel as fit as I did before Di's death, but I'm working at it slowly, and will work on it more on the ship, when I won't have the dog and the house to look after. The book says; "The third month after the death of a loved one,.......is one the most difficult times of all........Enough has happened by this time that denying your loss is impossible. If your spouse died, you have had three full months of filing insurance papers, death certificates and social security forms" How true! But, so far, at least, I am not feeling that worse third month pain. I think the first six weeks were worse, when I just felt stunned and woozy and lost all the time. But we will see.
Today I started on Effexor, an anti depressant, low dose to commence, and then double after a week. It seems to be helping already.
Today I was taken out to lunch by Mike S., a cathedral friend. We had a good, vigorous conversation, no blank spaces. He is a bluff personality. But, once during lunch, he lost it briefly saying, "As I look across at you, there used to be two of you." That produced a moist eyed reply. Di and his wife had a special rapport, because she had acute myeloid leukemia, and underwent chemotherapy also, successfully. Mike has five cardiac stents in place. As he says, "They are having a race to see who catches the boat first". In the midst of life we are in death!
I don't fear death. It would be not unwelcome, and would enable me to join Dianne. But what I DO fear is disability, and astronomic medical expenses, which would take all I have left, and leave nothing for the kids, most of whom need help. I do not want to be in the position Di found herself in, when she said "Everything I prayed would not happen, has happened." But I have little say in that, except to keep myself as fit as possible.
Last night, Mark gave me the CD of Di's memorial service, and I was able to view it with relatively little tearfulness. Like so many others at the service, I was so impressed by what our sons and daughter said in the way of tributes to their mother. I have heard that comment repeatedly, and I am so grateful to them all. They painted a portrait of their mother in words, and gave that picture as a gift to Di's friends and family. On that day I could not have done it without sobbing. But I am so grateful that all of them were able to say what they did, with dignity, love and humor. It was a day of celebration.
So, for the present, I just keep on keeping on, treading the path and living the adventure. Note, I did not say I was looking for another hill to climb. But, in a way, I am climbing a very big hill. But I didn't look for this one, and did not begin the climb voluntarily. Love to all. and may calmness and peace of mind rest upon us all. Geoff
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