Yesterday, from my former EFM colleague, Bob, I received the most beautiful letter I have ever received. Bob is a former minister, and a great "people person". He was kind enough to give me an evening last week, (and "give" is the active word), to listen, comfort and encourage.
Similarly this morning, I had an extended coffee with Linda Y., with whom I was able to explain how I felt, and ask some challenging questions. I wondered when I would feel "whole" again. Linda's reply was "You will never feel whole again, (in that things will never be like they were), but you will learn to accept living alone better, as time passes". We talked about how rebuilding a life is really hard work. But there is no alternative, except passive reclusiveness and misery.
Linda is a fine minister (deacon). It is difficult to talk with most other men, (especially younger men), about such personal grief. They become tongue tied or embarrassed, and move away with a "Gee, I'm sorry". But who am I to criticize? My response would have been just as barren and non comforting until I experienced this. As Bob said in his letter. "The pain and suffering (your tears) represent--- if not chased away, or buried deeply--- will help open your heart to another dimension of yourself".
Since my helpful session with Linda this morning, the day has gone better than expected. I was able to get to the gym this afternoon and have a pretty reasonable workout. It was there that I met my "tongue tied" friend, also named Jeff. He is a younger man with whom I have formed an acquaintanceship. He is pleasant, a self employed builder, and a very pleasant person. How we, as men, insulate ourselves from emotional involvement! It is just too hard for us.
Gloom is less as time passes. But I think I will ask for antidepressant help, after all. Most long term planning will have to await my return from OZ. At the moment, the emphasis is on getting away, and getting the house "dejunked".
AFter a few very jot days we have a big thunderstorm tonight. Fortunately, no tornadic weather, just wind and rain. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to bother Ella too much. She is a faithful companion, May peace and love find you, a and return to me. Love, Geoff
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