An emoting place

Service at the cathedral this morning, and singing in the Summer Choir. It is the site of Di's Memorial service and site of the interment of her ashes. We always have a short "chat" when I go down there, and I tell her how much I miss her, but that it is going to be OK, eventually. I am pushing along the trail alone, and I will make it.

Sometimes I ask myself, "What was all this struggle about? What did we leave behind?" For those starting out on the marriage journey, I hope we have left behind an example - an example of love in action, when tough times come.  I hope that does not sound self aggrandizing.

Always, I have been such a control freak that I felt that God would give me a lesson in dependency before I died, making me totally dependent on some else for care.  Instead, it was Dianne who paid my price. One can 't be more dependent than being quadriplegic.  I just hope I was sensitive enough to her needs, to comfort and inspire her. Post operatively, when she had her endotracheal tube removed. she told me she had wanted to die, when she first found herself quadriplegic, lying in that awful Shawnee Mission Hospital. While I could understand those feelings, the statement shocked me at first. I am not sure that she ever decided consciously to live, after that, or rather just decided to go along to see what happened in terms of recovery,reserving the right to die if things didn't go well.  Certainly, at the end, she was very much further along the road to embracing death than I was. Not long before her death, Dianne told a long time friend that she was tired and was ready to go, but she was not sure that I was ready to let her go. For being obtuse in that regard, I am sorry, my love. I was always ready with the next medical strategy, to try to prolong her life. when Di was tired of trying to dig herself out of holes, and ready to give up the struggle. Even her hospitalist told me one day "There is more fight in you than there is in Dianne". Coming from her physician that shocked me, but, in retrospect, I have to admit its truth. In the end, I never should have allowed her to go to that nursing home. That was an awful experience for her, and I am sure that, while there, she decided to give up and await the end, when she found herself making no progress with her PT.   But I am glad, at least. that we brought her home in time to die at home,  surrounded by the family she loved so deeply. A visitor to our home that day said, "I have never witnessed so much love as I did in your home that day!"

Rest in peace and love my dear friend, You have given us all such a towering gift of love over our combined lives. How can we ever repay it, other that to pay it forward? Love to all Dad/Geoff,  and love to you too Di, my spirit.