It was a pleasure to see their loving faces when they arrived yesterday afternoon. They were very good, went to bed easily and early, and slept soundly. They were up about 7, and impatient for their father to get here so they could get on to the next venture for today - a visit to the Egyptian exhibit at the Nelson Art Gallery, lunch somewhere, and a play date with a new friend in Gardner, on the way home. I remember how it was always such a loving experience having them visit when Di was alive. I am determined to keep that welcoming, loving spirit in the house.
Today I dropped off a letter to my FP about starting anti depressants. I am almost afraid to tempt fate by adding them to the pharmacological "stew" that I am already taking, but feel I have little option, if I am to improve. and enjoy the trip to OZ. The constancy of Richard's companionship should take away the loneliness that I am currently experiencing. Two days ago I talked about how difficult it is to rebuild a life. There are some days when I ask myself: "Do I want to? Is it worth it?"
Di and I always have tried to teach the family by example rather than dictates. I could not just give up so quickly, and "chicken out" when things get difficult, even though at times I might think I might want to. But sometimes it feels tempting. I sometimes feel I just don't have the drive or energy to do this. But our kids are all having individual difficulties of one sort or another. What kind of example would that be, were I to chicken out just because it got hard? So, I keep working at it. Will see the psychologist again tomorrow, and talk some more. It is a safe venue in which to talk about grief. Hopefully, with the passage of time, I will feel less need to vent.
I keep looking for that end point: "You will know your grief work is done when all your memories become memories of celebration, rather than loss."Pax vobiscum! Love, Geoff/Dad/ Pop Pop
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