Have just returned form my visit to the Mayo Cliic, to check on renal functioning after renal artery stenting last Christmas. This was a bitter sweet journey, retracing the steps of the last, abortive trip up there with Dianne. On that occasion her Hematologist/Oncologist told us there was little he could do for her. There was only some very expensive, "last ditch" medication, and blood transfusion. "There are no guarantees", he said. "This is simply all we have".
ON the way back I relived that last, nightmare night at the Holiday Inn, in Des Moines, IA,when she was so confused and in such terrible pain with huge mouth ulcers, due, in turn, to her very low white cell count. She could not eat any food I got for her, could only drink. She needed to be admitted to the hospital, bur I was afraid, that, if we admitted her up there she would die up there without any of her family around her. So, the next morning, I loaded her up in the car, strapped her in, packed up all the gear, including her wheelchair, gave her as much pain medication as I could, and we made a mad, non-stop dash for St. Luke's South ER, where Mark met us, and she was admitted. I suppose, in retrospect, I realized that that was the beginning of the end, though hope for recovery lingered almost to the last. Just wished that I could have "waved a magic wand" and make it all OK. To lose a patient is anathema for a physician. It is defeat on a grand scale. To lose a lover and a life's companion is the most superlative agony.
Today we were home by 3 pm. After Pete left for his home and family, in Lawrence, I had to face this house, with no other living soul in it. I felt so sad I could just have sat and wailed like a baby. Instead I went to pick Ella up from the kennel. Her welcome was worthwhile. She is always looked after well there. By now, she has almost a personal relationship with the owner and trainer.
During the trip, and while in Rochester, Pete and I were able to exchange some of our feelings about grief for Di. All the kids tell of their sad feelings about the loss of communication with her. She was so supportive of them all, and their achievements. Her love was such a source of strength for all of us. We are almost bereft without it.
Well, now I know that my feeling bad has no biochemical basis It is just depression associated with grief. "Just depression"! I need to see my clinical psychologist again, and get some constructive help. I am not doing a great job on my own! I am sure Di would have handled all this so much better. Love to all. Geoff/Dad
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