Last week was very busy - good in a way. It keeps me from ruminating. With all my activities at the Cathedral, I was down there almost every day, (or night) this week. Used up a lot of gasoline, and probably left a large carbon footprint. But for the first time in a few years, on Thursday night, I felt useful, and almost happy. Could it be that the heavy burden of grief is beginning to lift at last - at least for short periods? That would be nice.
Still working on my talk on Diabetes, trying to get that finished and refined. I really want people to learn something about this fascinating disease, and their part in handling the treatment of it. I badly want this to be a talk that makes people think, and not just a rote listing of details of treatment.
Tomorrow I need to set up a time for a college aged grandson to interview me, by phone, as a person who lived through World War II. Hope that will be interesting for both of us! Love and peace to all. Geoff/Dad
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A busy week
Being busy keeps me from thinking to much! Last Monday I had a dinner party for eight. The group worked well, and the conversation was very lively. Tuesday was EfM, and tonight I went to the Cathedral for an Interfaith Group Discussion, with New York Rabbi, a local Baptist Seminary teacher, and a monk from Concepcion Abbey, speaking for Islam. The story was that the organizers were unable to get a local Imam.
But, at that meeting, I ran into Abbot Gregory Polen again. He is one off my all time favorite people. Our paths first crossed when I was selected to be part of the Episcopal group, renegotiating a new covenant with the Roman Catholic Cathedral, here in KC. The previous one was abrogated by the new RC bishop, on his arrival. The Abbott was one of the Catholic representatives on the committee, along with the local Monsignor, and a Jesuit priest from Georgetown, Washington, with a very dry sense of humor, and a few RC lay people. The Abbot is a gentle person, very pleasant and easy to get along with. Later, after Dianne died, I ran into him at a local Starbucks, in mufti, and he was very comforting. Tonight he asked me how I was doing, and the tears began to start to my eyes. He said. "That is no problem. I am very comfortable with tears. They often show just how much we loved." He is the kindest person.
Tomorrow night I have a Vestry Meeting at the cathedral,so have been running down town each night. At the same time I am trying to get my talk on Diabetes finished for my April 6th session. I am discovering what Di seemed to know intuitively. That is, if you want to live life to the full, you must go out and meet the world, or invite the world in, or both. Grab life with both hands, and hang on! Love to you all. Dad/Geoff
But, at that meeting, I ran into Abbot Gregory Polen again. He is one off my all time favorite people. Our paths first crossed when I was selected to be part of the Episcopal group, renegotiating a new covenant with the Roman Catholic Cathedral, here in KC. The previous one was abrogated by the new RC bishop, on his arrival. The Abbott was one of the Catholic representatives on the committee, along with the local Monsignor, and a Jesuit priest from Georgetown, Washington, with a very dry sense of humor, and a few RC lay people. The Abbot is a gentle person, very pleasant and easy to get along with. Later, after Dianne died, I ran into him at a local Starbucks, in mufti, and he was very comforting. Tonight he asked me how I was doing, and the tears began to start to my eyes. He said. "That is no problem. I am very comfortable with tears. They often show just how much we loved." He is the kindest person.
Tomorrow night I have a Vestry Meeting at the cathedral,so have been running down town each night. At the same time I am trying to get my talk on Diabetes finished for my April 6th session. I am discovering what Di seemed to know intuitively. That is, if you want to live life to the full, you must go out and meet the world, or invite the world in, or both. Grab life with both hands, and hang on! Love to you all. Dad/Geoff
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ambushed again
Was almost at the Cathedral tonight, on the way to EfM, listening to 91.5 KANU classical music, when they began to play Bach's "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring", with trumpet on the chorale part, just as John Schaeffer had played it at Dianne's Memorial Service. I was undone, but to a lesser extent than before. In the parking lot, I sat there listening, after turning off the motor, looking out towards the area where Dianne's ashes were interred. Above that area, a beautiful, white star magnolia was blooming. I was happy, and at peace with the fact that she was no longer suffering, paralyzed, and in pain. She put up a mighty effort to recover her health and function, but it was not to be.
We are almost at the end of the "firsts" - soon the first Easter without Di. On May 8th, the anniversary of her Memorial Service, we will have done all "the firsts", and be glad they are over, and that we have all survived, to live on, with memories of her sustaining us all. There are so many fond memories of you my darling! Be at peace! Love, Geoff
We are almost at the end of the "firsts" - soon the first Easter without Di. On May 8th, the anniversary of her Memorial Service, we will have done all "the firsts", and be glad they are over, and that we have all survived, to live on, with memories of her sustaining us all. There are so many fond memories of you my darling! Be at peace! Love, Geoff
Friday, March 18, 2011
Visit to the Mayo Clinic
Have just returned form my visit to the Mayo Cliic, to check on renal functioning after renal artery stenting last Christmas. This was a bitter sweet journey, retracing the steps of the last, abortive trip up there with Dianne. On that occasion her Hematologist/Oncologist told us there was little he could do for her. There was only some very expensive, "last ditch" medication, and blood transfusion. "There are no guarantees", he said. "This is simply all we have".
ON the way back I relived that last, nightmare night at the Holiday Inn, in Des Moines, IA,when she was so confused and in such terrible pain with huge mouth ulcers, due, in turn, to her very low white cell count. She could not eat any food I got for her, could only drink. She needed to be admitted to the hospital, bur I was afraid, that, if we admitted her up there she would die up there without any of her family around her. So, the next morning, I loaded her up in the car, strapped her in, packed up all the gear, including her wheelchair, gave her as much pain medication as I could, and we made a mad, non-stop dash for St. Luke's South ER, where Mark met us, and she was admitted. I suppose, in retrospect, I realized that that was the beginning of the end, though hope for recovery lingered almost to the last. Just wished that I could have "waved a magic wand" and make it all OK. To lose a patient is anathema for a physician. It is defeat on a grand scale. To lose a lover and a life's companion is the most superlative agony.
Today we were home by 3 pm. After Pete left for his home and family, in Lawrence, I had to face this house, with no other living soul in it. I felt so sad I could just have sat and wailed like a baby. Instead I went to pick Ella up from the kennel. Her welcome was worthwhile. She is always looked after well there. By now, she has almost a personal relationship with the owner and trainer.
During the trip, and while in Rochester, Pete and I were able to exchange some of our feelings about grief for Di. All the kids tell of their sad feelings about the loss of communication with her. She was so supportive of them all, and their achievements. Her love was such a source of strength for all of us. We are almost bereft without it.
Well, now I know that my feeling bad has no biochemical basis It is just depression associated with grief. "Just depression"! I need to see my clinical psychologist again, and get some constructive help. I am not doing a great job on my own! I am sure Di would have handled all this so much better. Love to all. Geoff/Dad
ON the way back I relived that last, nightmare night at the Holiday Inn, in Des Moines, IA,when she was so confused and in such terrible pain with huge mouth ulcers, due, in turn, to her very low white cell count. She could not eat any food I got for her, could only drink. She needed to be admitted to the hospital, bur I was afraid, that, if we admitted her up there she would die up there without any of her family around her. So, the next morning, I loaded her up in the car, strapped her in, packed up all the gear, including her wheelchair, gave her as much pain medication as I could, and we made a mad, non-stop dash for St. Luke's South ER, where Mark met us, and she was admitted. I suppose, in retrospect, I realized that that was the beginning of the end, though hope for recovery lingered almost to the last. Just wished that I could have "waved a magic wand" and make it all OK. To lose a patient is anathema for a physician. It is defeat on a grand scale. To lose a lover and a life's companion is the most superlative agony.
Today we were home by 3 pm. After Pete left for his home and family, in Lawrence, I had to face this house, with no other living soul in it. I felt so sad I could just have sat and wailed like a baby. Instead I went to pick Ella up from the kennel. Her welcome was worthwhile. She is always looked after well there. By now, she has almost a personal relationship with the owner and trainer.
During the trip, and while in Rochester, Pete and I were able to exchange some of our feelings about grief for Di. All the kids tell of their sad feelings about the loss of communication with her. She was so supportive of them all, and their achievements. Her love was such a source of strength for all of us. We are almost bereft without it.
Well, now I know that my feeling bad has no biochemical basis It is just depression associated with grief. "Just depression"! I need to see my clinical psychologist again, and get some constructive help. I am not doing a great job on my own! I am sure Di would have handled all this so much better. Love to all. Geoff/Dad
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Of course!
In my blog thus far the attention has been mainly on my grief, - how bad I feel at losing Di. This morning, during the Eucharist, I had a moment like Paul, on the road to Damascus. Should not the focus be on Dianne? And should we not rejoice that she is now beyond further suffering, rather than be sad because she is not here??
Her last 18 months were very troubled indeed. After the episode of quadriplegia, in November, 2009, she lost control of bowel and bladder function, and had to be catheterized and filled with laxatives to achieve bowel action. During the last month in the nursing home, where she went to get some physical therapy to regain leg strength. she became progressively weaker instead, and her legs became more and more swollen, due to the falling levels of her plasma proteins, related, in turn, to her immunological deficiency. In addition she was in constant pain. Because the nursing home could not, or would not do intermittent catheterization, her indwelling Foley catheter became contaminated with fecal material , and she finally developed a urinary tract infection with two different coliform organisms, which led to a final septicemia, and death. At the end, she was also in constant physical pain. So, why should we not rejoice that she is spared any further struggles and pain?
So, in future, I plan to rejoice more, and sorrow less. And quietly plan to get on with life as it is, rather than as I wished it were.
Up to Mayo's this week for renal function tests. I shall know more on Thursday next, as to whether the surgery in December was effective. Those results will determine my future actions. Love to all. Geoff/Dad
Her last 18 months were very troubled indeed. After the episode of quadriplegia, in November, 2009, she lost control of bowel and bladder function, and had to be catheterized and filled with laxatives to achieve bowel action. During the last month in the nursing home, where she went to get some physical therapy to regain leg strength. she became progressively weaker instead, and her legs became more and more swollen, due to the falling levels of her plasma proteins, related, in turn, to her immunological deficiency. In addition she was in constant pain. Because the nursing home could not, or would not do intermittent catheterization, her indwelling Foley catheter became contaminated with fecal material , and she finally developed a urinary tract infection with two different coliform organisms, which led to a final septicemia, and death. At the end, she was also in constant physical pain. So, why should we not rejoice that she is spared any further struggles and pain?
So, in future, I plan to rejoice more, and sorrow less. And quietly plan to get on with life as it is, rather than as I wished it were.
Up to Mayo's this week for renal function tests. I shall know more on Thursday next, as to whether the surgery in December was effective. Those results will determine my future actions. Love to all. Geoff/Dad
Monday, March 7, 2011
Ambushed!
The grief therapists talk about being ambushed by feelings. Today was such a day. It all began so simply. I went to see the CPA to file last year's taxes. This is an annual chore. Di used to do it, as she was the "detail person" of the two of us. Last year, and this year, it has fallen to me, as the only one left to do it.
I was very organized and had everything prepared. But, coming home, I was so devastated and lonely. It was a visit we would celebrate having behind us, and stop for a cup of coffee at Starbuck's on the way home. She is no longer here to celebrate having it done. What a huge loss, today and every day! The silence kills me! I love it when the kids respond to my Facebook postings. It is a conversation of sorts.
Pete is going to drive up to the Mayo Clinic with me next week. So that will be two days of company for me, with some prolonged conversation, and listening to CD's. Hope the car behaves. It has been serviced recently, and I will have some of the special oil aboard. Was prepared to do the drive on my own, but I am glad Pete offered to do it with me. We'll see what the renal function tests show.
To bed, now and hope to sleep. Love to all, Geoff
l oil aboard.
I was very organized and had everything prepared. But, coming home, I was so devastated and lonely. It was a visit we would celebrate having behind us, and stop for a cup of coffee at Starbuck's on the way home. She is no longer here to celebrate having it done. What a huge loss, today and every day! The silence kills me! I love it when the kids respond to my Facebook postings. It is a conversation of sorts.
Pete is going to drive up to the Mayo Clinic with me next week. So that will be two days of company for me, with some prolonged conversation, and listening to CD's. Hope the car behaves. It has been serviced recently, and I will have some of the special oil aboard. Was prepared to do the drive on my own, but I am glad Pete offered to do it with me. We'll see what the renal function tests show.
To bed, now and hope to sleep. Love to all, Geoff
l oil aboard.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Improvement
Today I decided that I must be showing some improvement. At first, soon after Dianne died, with my home being both my refuge and my prison, I would run out and buy one thing, and then run home again and hide out.. Today I managed a whole circuit of co-ordinated shopping for necessary items; St. Luke's for a blood test, Costco, Petco, Starbucks, (well, OK, that, strictly speaking wasn't necessary), dry cleaners, then home and walk Ella - just like we used to do when Di was alive. It is good to feel that I am getting some control and direction back in my life. Now the taxes are done I can spend some time organizing the study, getting rid of a lot of paper! Have five boxes of old paper in the garage, waiting to go to the shredder. There is a lot of unnecessary junk in the house that needs to be cleared out. As time permits I will continue the task that Di started, sorting out all the family photos into individual boxes, to give to the children and grandchildren.
At Mayo's, in two weeks' time, I will find out whether there is any urgency about needing to make some permanent arrangements, or whether I can stay here for as long as I feel like doing so.
Had dinner with Mark tonight - always a great pleasure. Spike is home on Spring Break, and not sure where he fits. Just wanted to give him a big reassuring hug, and tell him that everything would work out. Maybe I will ask him to go for a walk with me during the week, and see if he wants to talk. It is a difficult time, that first year away at college, and the transition from a loving home. Love to all Geoff/Dad
At Mayo's, in two weeks' time, I will find out whether there is any urgency about needing to make some permanent arrangements, or whether I can stay here for as long as I feel like doing so.
Had dinner with Mark tonight - always a great pleasure. Spike is home on Spring Break, and not sure where he fits. Just wanted to give him a big reassuring hug, and tell him that everything would work out. Maybe I will ask him to go for a walk with me during the week, and see if he wants to talk. It is a difficult time, that first year away at college, and the transition from a loving home. Love to all Geoff/Dad
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Prayer
Another reason I like Episcopal prayers!
Oh God:
Give me strength to live another day;
Let me not turn coward before its difficulties
or prove recreant to its duties;
Let me not lose faith in other people;
Keep me sweet and sound of heart, in spite of
ingratitude, treachery or meanness;
Preserve me from minding little stings or
giving them;
Help me to keep my heart clean, and to live so
honestly and fearlessly that no outward
failure can dishearten me or take away the
joy of conscious integrity;
Open wide the eyes of my soul that I may see
good in all things;
Grant me this day some new vision of thy truth;
Inspire me with the spirit of joy and gladness;
and make me the cup of strength to suffering
souls; in the name of the strong Deliverer, our only Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
From "Forward Day by Day". Pub. Forward Movement,412 Sycamore Street, Cincinatti. OH. 45202-4195
Oh God:
Give me strength to live another day;
Let me not turn coward before its difficulties
or prove recreant to its duties;
Let me not lose faith in other people;
Keep me sweet and sound of heart, in spite of
ingratitude, treachery or meanness;
Preserve me from minding little stings or
giving them;
Help me to keep my heart clean, and to live so
honestly and fearlessly that no outward
failure can dishearten me or take away the
joy of conscious integrity;
Open wide the eyes of my soul that I may see
good in all things;
Grant me this day some new vision of thy truth;
Inspire me with the spirit of joy and gladness;
and make me the cup of strength to suffering
souls; in the name of the strong Deliverer, our only Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
From "Forward Day by Day". Pub. Forward Movement,412 Sycamore Street, Cincinatti. OH. 45202-4195
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